“Will you come to the place where the wild ones are, away from your home, away from your life, away from everything that makes you you?
Will you run free with your hair down, naked feet leaping over rocks and roots as tree branches whip your skin and you howl into the night?
Will you crawl on your belly like a hissing snake, like a ferocious leopard; will you claw the earth and tear the ivy with your teeth?
Will you sit in front of the fire with vacant eyes, watching the flames leap and dance until you can see him moving there?
Will you reach out and touch your god without being burned – will you do it even if it hurts?
Will you dance for him, with him, until you can’t go on any more, until your body is covered in sweat, your limbs ache, your heart is going to burst in your chest, and your head is too small to contain the madness that swells within: will you keep dancing anyway?”
– Sannion over at House of Vines
With a resounding ‘Yes’ my heart cries, my soul cries, my body cries…
But why then when He asks me to dance, do I say I can’t? How long until He makes me dance? How long will I be able to resist? Why do I even resist in the first place, when my soul cries out to Him? Even as He consumes me, why do I fight? Why do I fear? What do I fear? Do I fear the breaking, or the re-making that I surely know is to come?
I want to be His… Surrender… The madness creeps… But still I hold on…
Update from June 2011:
But when He comes with the horns of a Bull, that’s when my head really explodes! My life gets turned inside out, upside down, and I have no clue whether I’m coming or going. I drift through days in a half trance – A Dionysian Haze. The quote “Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad” comes to mind when He is around. His presence fills me so completely that I swear I can almost feel the threads of my sanity unraveling. I sometimes wonder what would happen if I felt that all the time. Could I handle it? Wandering around in an ecstatic reverie all day, every day. Maybe I’m just given these brief encounters because in fact I most probably wouldn’t be able to cope with the sheer intoxicating joy and pain of his presence at all.
After Him being around almost constantly during the weeks leading up to Anthesteria, it came a bit of a shock when I felt Him leave on the third day of the festival. He left completely and a few nights later I had the first dream in which Cernunnos and Dionysos were both present. A dream in which I was dismembered and torn. And then nothing for what seemed like an eternity, but I’ve had a few fleeting, but very intense, visits since then.
No other God or Spirit has ever commanded my attention as Dionysos has. Usually I am at my altar, during my travels or out and about alone – In some spiritual or quiet state, but not Dionysos. He shows up in the middle of a hectic afternoon like a slap in the face, which almost screams “Hi, I’m here! Lets go grab a beer!” He comes and He goes. He is, after all, the ‘god who comes’, the god of epiphany, and to constantly be arriving must mean He is also leaving. Sometimes, I wonder if He likes it when we long for Him when He is away. Stirs up the passion. I’ve tried to ignore Him. I can’t. I’ve tried to ask Him to leave me be, as it’s so painful when He goes away. He won’t.
I’m not sure where this is going. A new direction. A new path. All I know is, He’s going to disappear at some point, He always does. I just hope He stays around for a while this time, as my heart aches when He is away.
I don’t usually do the whole posting YouTube videos thing, but his song screams Dionysos to me right now…